Monday, January 25, 2010

Clean Slate

My dog ate a bar of soap the other day. Dial Gold. 'Round the clock odor protection. I imagined foul smelling intestinal flora running for their lives as it barrelled down the pike. I thought about cleansing, renewal and resolutions. I thought about the New Year.

You may marvel at the disturbingly short distance I've drawn between January 1 and a dog's ass. I welcome you to my world of disparate associations, sometimes amusing and often as claustrophobic as a carnival sideshow in August. This is not easy territory for one as black and white as myself; lines are crossed, boundaries blurred and it can be one mell of a hess.

A New Year's tune-up is an exhilarating exercise in drama-the first day of the rest of your life. Buoyed by the optimism of fellow resolutioners, we set out on the path to self-improvement. We will extinguish cigarettes, shed pounds and reduce clutter. Our teeth will be whiter, our finances will be in check and we will be on time. Ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho, and a couple of tra-la-las. That's how we laugh the day away in the Merry Old Land of Oz.

Soon the holiday lights grow dim, the confetti is swept away and we find ourselves in the clutches of mid-winter's icy grip. Even the noblest of intentions may not have a fighting chance against cabin fever and chilly winds. Let's see- couch or cardio? Hot chocolate or hatha yoga? A short tumble off the wagon and we're right where we started with an extra helping of guilt on top.

I'd like to propel my life in a positive direction, but I think I'll refrain from making grand declarations, proclamations or predictions.  Spouting off about my great expecations may provoke the gods into sending a reality-filled meteorite my way. In the meantime, I'll just watch for those sparkling bubbles to pour out of my dog's derriere, a la Lawrence Welk. A one an a two...


  1. I laughed out loud on this one Joan! bathroom humor at its BEST!

    please explain to me why labs and retrievers eat everything and anything in site! I know a retriever who eats panty hose! why??? why would you eat pany hose!!???

    Love the look on Gracie's face, as if to say, "Mom, why am I sittin' in the tub. no water mom, no water!!!"

  2. This is hysterical!! I'm new to the "blogosphere" and just found you, I'm so glad! You're funny! My particular favorite is your referring your poor dog's behind to the Lawrence Welk bubble machine!! LOVE it!! Hope she's feeling better soon!!

    Thanks for the giggle!

  3. I just came back to re-read this story, it makes me smile! I also wanted to let you know that I tagged you in my blog, basically because I think you ROCK!!

    Check it out if you get the chance!